Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
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“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom