Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
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The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Facebook memories be like
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids