*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
You Might Also Like
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time