interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
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And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script