I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
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People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters