KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
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Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.