Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
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Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”