Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
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5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”