* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
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Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater