Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
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on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Baller is short for ballerina
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face