I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
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If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
wishing you and yours all the best
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.