*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
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me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.