Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
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You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
#Caturday
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters