Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
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My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.