JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
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[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.