I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
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I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Not recommended for beginners.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.