Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
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Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Sometimes? I’m slipping
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
the three branches of government
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Called it
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”