At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
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Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
want me to check your oil?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”