Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
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In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Great game to play with friends
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation