Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
You Might Also Like
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.