“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
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70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
#dnd #ttrpg
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.