Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
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Check out the legs on this baby
Taking phone security to the next level.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester