That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
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Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”