Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Sometimes? I’m slipping
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Smells like a challenge to me
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Broom by every window for quick escape.