[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
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I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze