Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
You Might Also Like
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
relationship goals
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
next question.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best