My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
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After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
ATMs should have breathalyzers
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.