90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
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If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.