If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
This is my bus stop.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.