I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
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There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Why am I like this?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.