Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
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Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
There’s only one good girl here!
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Ron is short for Aaronald
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.