31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Thrilling chase underway
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.