“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
You Might Also Like
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.