I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
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[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
this could fix me
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.