Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
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All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project