Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
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[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Why I divorced her.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.