Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
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The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
we all know this pain all too well
mmm onion ringos
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
mood
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets