Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
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tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….