They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
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Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers