Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
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Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.