kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
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Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?