My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better