My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
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*updates tinder bio*
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.