“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
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9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.