Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
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*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
He is just living hist best little life 😊