When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
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Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move