How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
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What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
who wants to go expliring
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.