“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
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*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.