*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
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Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
SPLOOT
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
sugar glider wrangler
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”