Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
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it must be school picture day
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Rt to bother an English speaker
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango